4 posts tagged “diary”

This week has been brutal so far.  I’m in agony.  I feel like a complete shit.

Yesterday I did some organizing of my office since it looked as if a bomb went off near it. I had a stack of files about to fall over so I put them on my lap to file them into the drawer. I came across Karen’s file (Jesse’s wife) and thought about calling her again. I’ve not heard from her since her call to me a while back when she was in the hospital. I opened her file and saw my own business card amongst the profile sheet she’d filled out for me. I figured she’d had it with her the first day she was here and it got mixed in with her papers.

It’s one of my newer ones; ones that I had printed last fall after I moved to my new house. I remember she told me she’d gotten my card from a friend last summer – the one who had referred her that I never inquired about. It’s odd that she’d have my new card - I don’t keep a cardholder on my desk for clients to help themselves to. I always hand my cards personally to them and hardly ever this version. This is the one I carry in my wallet to give to those I meet along the way. I have "appointment reminder " style cards I give my clients.

I turned the card over and got a huge shock. On the back was my handwriting: "Jesse, call me anytime – I look forward to seeing you again" I remember writing that and giving it to him right after I moved. How the hell did his wife get it? I’m pretty sure he did not refer her to me. Did she take it from his place or something?

I called Jesse right away and told him we need to talk. He told me he’s out of town and will be back on Saturday and wanted me to tell him over the phone. "It’s not pleasant," I said. "And I need to tell you in person."

You can see why I’m stressed out. I did not sleep all night.

Oh dear! I didn’t realize I had people waiting for my next diary entry! So sorry to have kept you waiting for so long! Part of the delay is that my January has not been too terribly exciting until this week.

January 8^th-14^th was spent setting up my new 2007 clients. I had new client appointments all week long and mostly just worked and nursed my head cold. This is THE busiest month of the year for me and it takes a lot out of me after 6 weeks of not so much work and too much play. Why is it that everyone must go on a diet and start an exercise program the very minute all the holiday goodies are gone from the house? It’s been my experience that minute lands somewhere around January 4^th or 5^th and then the phone rings off the hook for my help with wellness and health coaching. I took on 4 new clients each of the 5 work days that week! Way cool but exhausting. Lots of profiling and studying for me. I have to find the best plan that fits their life and will get them fast results. One gal even made me go to the gym WITH her and set her up with a trainer there and another begged me to do her grocery shopping for her! In the end I did go with her but didn’t DO it for her.

So most days I worked at my computer, called colleagues for advice and then went to bed as early as I could. In a word…BORING.

BUT January 15^th was my birthday and what a surprising day that was! I woke up to the phone ringing at the crack of dawn. Wasn’t even dawn yet, actually. It was 3:32 am and my heart started racing thinking there was something really wrong with someone – an emergency or something. When I answered it, it was my mom telling me HAPPY BIRTHDAY and then asking me "did I ever tell you about the day you were born?" I told her no, although she has told me every year on this date since I was one. So I layed back on the pillow, closed my eyes and let her tell me the story. You see, I was born at 3:40 in the morning and that’s why she called to wake me this early. She wanted me to know how I woke her that day, eager to start my life. It’s very sweet and also makes me wish I was born at a decent time of day, not before the sun came up!

After the phone call I had trouble falling back asleep. I finally did and had the weirdest dream. Something about a boat and some Christmas lights and a baby being born in the middle of the night. Go figure.

So I got up at my normal time, headed for my office and started working. There was a message on my office answering machine from Karen:

"Dayna, this is Karen Cooke, sorry I have to cancel today’s session, but I’m having some problems with the baby and I’m in the hospital. I’ll call you as soon as I know more"

I haven’t talked to Jesse in a long time. After the last session with Karen I called and bitched him out for lying to me and for treating Karen like he has been. I couldn’t help myself. I’ve gotten myself in a tough spot. He of course called me back and told me I didn’t know anything about this and maybe I should mind my own business. I told him "fine, no problem" and he hasn’t called since. The bad part is – I don’t know if that’s what I really want. This whole thing sucks so bad.

I went off to lunch with my mom and sister in law and when I got back there were flowers on my porch. My heart skipped a beat because for a second I thought they were from Jesse. The florist card said "Happy B-day ~ thinking of you today and can’t wait for you to visit me. Rob" I called him right away and started making plans with him for a trip to Colorado.

Later when I was in my kitchen opening a bottle of wine for me and Mel to drink before we went to dinner, I noticed the answering machine was flashing that I had a message. It was Jesse.

"Hey Dayna, not sure you want to hear from me but Happy Birthday. I couldn’t let the day slip by without a call. I hope you have a great day and I’d really like to talk sometime. Give me a call if you’re feeling up to it."

Hmmm….what should I do with that one? I ended up doing nothing and here it is a week later and I haven’t called him back yet. I don’t know what to say. I really wanted him in my life and then I got to see how he treats his pregnant wife and lost respect for him. It would’ve been different if he owned up to all of it, still wanted to separated from her and be with me. Maybe we could’ve made it work, but with the lies and the full-on denial of things, I just can’t deal with it!

 And I did call Karen back and got her voicemail.  I told her I hope things are ok, don't worry about calling me unitl she was ready and able.  I haven't heard from her all week so it sort of worries me.

I’m exhausted and so glad it’s the weekend! The last couple of days have really gotten to me. And I have to say that I’m relieved that Jesse is tied up on a problem job and asked for a rain check for the train trip. I can’t face him right now.

Thursday I had my session with Karen – Jesse’s wife. She told me stuff that made me want to slap the crap out of him. He was always coming home late, breaking plans and leaving her alone. She suspected an affair. She thought that having a baby would be the ticket to their marriage. He’d be a good dad if he’d make the time to stick around and a kid would make him want to, right? Every time she was pregnant and lost the baby, he’d stay things to her that were unfeeling – it wasn’t meant to be, maybe it’s better this way, etc. Then last spring she told him how unhappy his behavior had made her over the last few years and she wanted to go to counseling and he said no, let’s just put this thing out of it’s misery and moved out the next day. (the story he told me was much different – she wanted to leave him)

So over the summer she tried to reconcile with him, telling him she’d do anything to get him to come home and he wouldn’t even return her calls. In October she said he showed up on her doorstep and told her he was sorry for being so mean, would try to be nicer and was there to get some of his things. Somehow she got him to sleep with her and although she thought it would be the road to recovery, he called her the next day and told her what a big mistake it was and that it was definitely over – he was consulting an attorney to get the divorce started.

She had of course gotten pregnant that time they had sex.

Now he didn’t want anything to do with her, told her she’s making it all up and to get lost.

I was pretty upset by this story because it did in fact contradict everything he’s told me about their break up and the relationship they now had. I couldn’t help but believe her when there was no reason for her to lie to me – I was her coach.

Okay, so I met Rob downtown in the lounge of his hotel. We had a great time at dinner and at the comedy show and then we headed back to the hotel for some dancing in the club there.

About 11:30 Rob asked me to come up to his room for a nightcap. I remembered the last time we shared a nightcap in his room at the conference and how difficult it was for me to leave his side.

I am not naïve and I knew what would happen if I accepted his invitation for that drink in his room. Part of me wanted to go to spite Jesse and then I thought, "what is up with that? – Jesse doesn’t deserve even spiteful feelings from me – the lying ass!"

Besides, it’d been a LONG time since I’d had sex and this guy was ready and willing and so gorgeous!

We were in his room and Rob got us a drink from the mini bar. We sat side by side on the couch drinking our drinks and having small talk. He got up to put our glasses on the dresser and took my hand for me to stand as well.

He started kissing me – he is a great kisser! He started to undo the buttons on my blouse and then kissed my neck and down to my breasts, which were still in my bra. He came back up to my mouth and his hands were on my ass and thighs, lifting my skirt.

He guided me to the bed and I sat down. Kneeling down, he unzipped my boots and took them off. He started caressing my calves and then ran his tongue the length of my right leg, zip-zagging from the front to the inner thigh. He reached my crotch and teased my lips with his tongue, through my panty hose. It felt absolutely delicious.

Then he was pushing me up on the bed, my head getting closer to the headboard as he slowly peeled my panty hose off. I reached back and undid the button and zipper on my skirt and pushed it off as well. He got on the bed, sort of next to me and removed my top and bra then he slithered down the length of me and started to eat me. I squirmed with delight. He was good at what he was doing. His fingers were inside me and then his tongue and then his hands were on my ass cheeks, getting good leverage and his face ground into my twat.

I arched my back and came with great force. I let out a cry as he stood up and tore his clothes off. He was back on me before the convulsing stopped inside my pussy.

He laid his rock hard cock on my belly and I started to stoke it, easing him toward my tits. He put his huge manhood between them and he started to rock forward as I pushed my tits together, my nipples were so hard they hurt.

A few minutes of this and Rob exploded all over my chest and neck. He rolled over onto his side and let out a huge sigh.

I got up to get a towel and when I got back Rob was snoring. Wow, I didn’t know a quick romp like the one we had could knock it out of a guy. I got dressed and left his room as quietly as I could.

So now it’s Saturday and instead of the train trip with Jesse, I’m mulling over the last few days.

Rob called me on Friday to apologize for falling asleep. He was tired from the business trip and admitted that he had drunk too much when we got back to the hotel from the comedy show. I told him there was no problem, I actually had a really good time and that the things we did were totally sexy and would have me thinking about the next time he was in town. Then he asked me to come to Colorado in a few weeks and I said I would.

I have a good feeling about us. We’re having fun together and that’s what I need right now.

As for Jesse, he did call me to make a new date and I ignored the call, letting it go to voicemail.

Okay so we were heading down to the bedroom below the bow and Jesse's phone rang.

"I gotta get that - it's my mom.  She hates voicemail.  I'll just be a minute"

I could hear his mom's voice through the phone, she was so loud.  I tried not to eavesdrop and started to busy myself with untangling more Christmas lights.  But I could still hear Linda.

"Jesse, I've got Karen here and she's hysterical.  She said she's been trying to get a hold of you for weeks now and you won't return her calls.  What the hell's going on - she's your wife and it's Christmas for heaven's sake!"

"Mom, calm down.  What do you want me to do?  We're separated and have been for a long time now and don't forget, it was her choice!"

"She's regretting that choice, Jess.  She wants to make up.  She's been leaving you that message and she said she wrote to you too.  Why won't you give her another chance?"

"She's only saying that cause it's the holidays and she feels left out.  You know how she is - no one to spend Christmas with so she's super sweet now and a bitch the rest of the year.  We're not happy Mom and she needs to deal with it.  She doesn't want to be with me; this will pass as soon as January comes"

"Jesse, Karen's pregnant"

I hoped I'd heard wrong.  I was stunned.  Jesse went into the bathroom and shut the door.  He wanted privacy I'm sure.  Wow, pregnant.  I was trying to do the math.  They were separated in the Spring.  Must have tried to work it out at some point.  If she was only newly pregnant, that meant that they were together in October.  He was trying to date me in October after I moved into my new house.

My mood was completely spoiled as you can imagine.  I tidied up the hot cocoa cups and started to write a note to Jesse when he came out.

"Sorry about that.  My mom's having a crisis.  I'm pretty sure you could tell by what I was saying that it has to do with Karen."

"I heard everything your mom said, Jesse.  She talks loud" 

"Oh.  Then you heard the part about -"

"The baby.  Yeah, I heard that part.  I gotta go. I'll talk to you later"

"Wait Dayna.  We can't leave it like this.  Let me explain"

"There's nothing to explain, Jess.  Just forget about it.  It's obvious you got stuff to take care of.  Goodnight"

Jesse grabbed me by both of my arms and pulled me close to his chest.  I was just shaking my head in complete disbelief. 

"Karen's lying, Dayna.  Or if she is pregnant, it's not by me.  We haven't slept together since before she asked me to leave.  That was nine months ago at least.  I don't know what she's trying to pull but I promise you - it's not what it looks like.

"I'm sorry, Jesse but I can't do this.  Your wife wants you back and I'm not about to compete with that"

"She doesn't want me - she just doesn't want anyone else to have me"

"I gottta get out of here"

"Okay.  Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Sure" I said lamely.  I wanted to get as far away from him as possible.  I can't believe I told him where I live!  Damn!

************************************

12/17

Jesse called the next day and convinced me to come to the Christmas boat parade.  I really wanted to go and was feeling festive enough to put that phone call out of my head for a night.  I just won't get close to him until I figure this all out, I thought.

In the mail was a Christmas card from Rob:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Dayna.  Sorry I had to cancel our ski trip.  I'm looking forward to seeing you soon - I'll be in your area the first week of January and I'll call you then.   I'd love to get together.  Rob

Wow.  How about that?  Sounds good.  He's a great looking distraction for me.  Maybe it'll be fun having a long-distance "friend"

I put the card on the mantel next to my others and headed out the door.  I had a stop to make at the liquor store for Irish Cream for my coffee and then I was off to the marina.

A woman came up to me in the store.  She was digging a business card out of her purse.  I recognized it as one of mine - it has my photo on it.  "Are you Dayna Shepard?"  she asked.  "Yes" I smiled, always wanting to meet new people for my business. 

"You're a Wellness Coach aren't you?"  I told her I was.  "I've heard all about you from my friend.  She goes to you and gave me your card.  I'm going through some stuff right now and could really use some help in the nutrition department"

"I'd be happy to help you.  Give me a call on Monday and I'll set you up for a consultation.  What's your name?"

"Karen Cooke"

I was shaken to the core.  Un-frickin- believable!  I smiled and said "Okay, talk to you Monday" and she walked away.

Was this really happening?  That was Jesse's WIFE!  Her friend was my client and now she wanted my services!  I was not going to tell Jesse.  I completely forgot to ask who her friend was that referred me. 

The lighted boat parade was a lot of fun.  Jesse's employees and their kids were so fun to be around.  We had a great time and I was able to get out of there pretty easily.  I was determined not to be with Jesse on that boat alone!

He did walk me to my car though.

"I had a good time, Dayna and am so glad you decided to come"

"I did too. Thanks for inviting me."

"I still have that housewarming gift to give you.  I guess it's more of a Christmas gift now.  Would it be okay to bring it by next week?"

"Sure.  How about Thursday.  I'm pretty open all day"  I think he was disappointed I said "day" and not evening, but I have to be cautious now.  "You can come for lunch" I said, trying to make the situation better.

"It's a date.  See you at twelve, then?" He said and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Wow, that was different than last night's kiss!

*************************************

12/20

Karen Cooke called me and made her appointment.  I felt sort of weird having her come to my house but it's where I do business.   My office happens to be the bedroom in the front of the house, right off the front entrance so my clients really never go into the interior of my house.  You walk in the foyer, which is quite large with a bench and a coat rack in there.  Then you go into the first room on the right and that's the office.  The powder room is across the foyer from there, so no one needs to go into my home during appointments.  It's the main reason I chose this house - so I could do business and still have my privacy.

She came by yesterday and our conversation went like this:

What can I help you with, Karen?

I've been going through a rough patch and I feel that my health is suffering.  I've been separated from my husband for about eight months now and although we've tried several times to work it out and get back together I'm so afraid it's over.  I can't sleep and I'm not eating right and that's the worst thing for me right now because I just found out I'm pregnant.

Oh.

I'm eight weeks along and I don't want to jeopardize this pregnancy.  I've lost too many babies before and I need to keep this one.  I know it's what will bring my husband back to me.

Okay, let's start with a good vitamin supplement and I'll design a menu plan that will be nutritious for you and your baby.  You can help me by filling out this survey.  It'll let me know what things you will and won't want to eat.  Will you excuse me for a minute while you take the survey?

I left the office and closed the door behind me.  I was stunned.  She was basically telling me that her baby was Jesse's.  This is what she was using to get him back.  They must've had some make up sex and got pregnant a couple months ago.

Well she was my client now and she had a health issue.  I couldn't tell Jesse about it.  I couldn't tell her I know Jesse either.    It's weird, I thought.  Jesse told me she threw him out cause she hated everything about him.  I guess sometimes you re-evaluate what you have when it's about to go away for good.  Huh.  Now I know for sure what I need to do about me and Jesse.  I'll continue to be his friend, not tell him about Karen and definitely not sleep with him.  Damn!

**************************************

12/21

Jesse came by today for lunch and to give me the gift.  It was a framed photo of us on his dad's yacht when we were dating in high school.  It was precious to me that he wanted me to have it.  I was sincerely thankful for it.  I put it on the mantel next to the Christmas cards.  Jesse was looking at all the cards and saw the one from Rob.  I saw him reading it and didn't say a word - either did he.

"So what are you doing for New Year's Eve?"  he asked me.  "Going to mom and dad's party like always.  And you?"

"There's a party at one of my sub contractors that I'll probably go to.  You wouldn't want to skip the folks and hang with me would you?"

"No, I promised to be with the family at midnight.  It's a tradition that I rarely miss"

"Okay.  Can't blame a guy for trying"

"Are you going to be at your parents' for Christmas?"

"Yes"

"What about Karen?  Is she going to join you?"

Jesse winced.  I could tell that she was probably going to be there.  I guess she had an aliance with his mom.  I also knew this because she told me during our coaching session that she was going to be spending Christmas with her husband and his family.  She was looking forward to it very much.

"If she's there, I'll stay long enough to open gifts and then I'm out.  I do NOT want to spend any time with her and I asked mom not to invite her.  She told me that she's family until the papers are signed.  Which by the way she refuses to sign.  My mom believes her bullshit story about that baby too and that makes me not want to be around either of them."

"Well if she is having your baby, maybe you should give it another shot.  You two could make a happy life if you tried"

"I told you this is not my baby!  I haven't touched her since April!  I wish you did not hear that phone conversation.  I'm so sorry you did"

I didn't know what to say so I made some lame excuse that I had work to do and started walking toward the front door.  After he put his coat on, Jesse grabbed me and started to kiss me passionately.  My stomach flip-flopped and my legs felt rubbery. 

"This is what we were doing when we were so rudely interrupted"  he reminded me.  "And I want to finish what we started, Dayna.  You tell me when you're ready, okay?"  And he left.

*******************************

12/25

Christmas was great.  I went to my parents' for Christmas Eve and after dinner we opened gifts.  Right before dessert the door bell rang and it was Jesse.  Wow - pretty nerve-y of him.  My family welcomed him with open arms and were all happy to see him.

I got him alone in the kitchen and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing.

"I'm here to give you your Christmas present"  "I didn't know we were exchanging gifts"

"We aren't - I'm giving you one.  Ready?"  "I guess.  Is it more nostalgia from our past?"

"No, it's something for our future.  Here"

I opened the envelope and inside was a pair of tickets on the train to the wine country.  A day trip - no over-nighter so I felt okay about it.  It was a really nice gift.

"I thought we could do it the first week of January.  Work is generally slower that week so we both should be able to take off"  He had a teasing twinkle in his eye.  He knew this is when Rob was going to be here.  I had to laugh as I gave him a hug.  A+ for effort, that's for sure!