19 posts tagged “jesse”

“Dayna!”  Mel snapped into my ear through the phone. “Did you hear me?!”

“Yeah I did,” I sighed.

“Well.  Don’t you have an opinion?  Wait.  You already knew huh?”

I was thinking about exactly how much I knew.  I knew the line of his jaw lying on the pillow next to mine.  I knew the pattern of his breathing as he slept.  I knew the color of his hair as the weak sunlight slipped in through the window.  I knew way too much about Jesse.

“How long have you known?” Mel wanted to know.

“Not long,” I lied.

Long enough to be helplessly happy with Jesse.  And completely miserable that our actions had made him make a life-altering decision.  Well maybe that’s a stretch considering he was considering calling off his engagement before that day I spent with him:

I sat across the table from him and smiled.  He was gorgeous in a rugged, construction worker way.  You know, like that TV commercial where the ladies are watching the man working outside their office building.  He’s sweating away and slowly pulls off his shirt revealing tight 6-pack abs, glistening in perspiration.  He leans back and takes a long swallow of Diet Coke.

“DAYNA!”  He slaps his hand down on the table.  “Hello!  Are you even listening to me?  Where were you just now?”

“Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

“Something sinful by the look in your glossed-over eyes.  If you’re fantasizing about me, you know it can become a reality”

“That’s funny.  You know I don’t date taken men.”

“Who said anything about dating?”

I thought about how tempting it was.  I was wondering what it would be like to fuck Jesse.  Adult sex, not the fumbling teenager sex we tried many years ago.  This was his proposition a few years back, when we first re-connected during his separation and also further back before I married my stupid ex-husband.  I still wonder what made me hold back.  Probably the memory he held so dear of sweet Dayna.  No use in ruining that and getting him acquainted with this Dayna.  It was better for him to think of me as a nice girl.  Also kept the spark between us alive and who doesn’t like that?  But still…he’d be off the market for good soon and I wondered if I would ever regret not doing it when I am old and looking back at my life? 

I’d run into Jesse when we were both helping family friends with their flood dilemma.  It had been several  weeks since he’d given me the silent treatment when I saw him at Christmas. At first I gave him the cold shoulder because of the cold one he’d given me at our last meeting.  His woman wasn’t with him so he was acting his normal self.  After a couple hours of basement cleaning I’d had enough and wanted to get dry, warm and some food in me.  Just as I was backing out of the driveway, Jesse knocked on the window almost scaring the life out of me.  I reluctantly unlocked the door and let him hop in.  He was all apologies and excuses for the way he acted the last time we’d met while I said nothing.  Then he brought up what I only could guess to be true.  That he wasn’t exactly sure he was doing the right thing.  I blandly told him to call it off if he was unsure.  We picked up the pizza, brought it back to the house and pretty much didn’t say a word to each other again the rest of the day. 

I don’t know how I got to this point – sitting across from him in a bar.

Jesse was rambling on about his fiancé.  How she’d made the decision to postpone the wedding.  How right now she was in California sorting out her feelings.  It didn’t look good for them.  Was I happy about that?  No, not really.  Exhausted for being his friend to lean on?  Yes. 

His justification speech was boring me half to tears.  I really couldn’t care less if they broke up or not.  I never considered them a real item to begin with.  I kept envisioning his lips on mine, moving down my neck to that hollow spot I love so much; his hands in my hair, pulling my head back with gentle force; his other hand on my ass, pushing my pelvis into his.  His tongue is caressing my cleavage as his fingers fumble with the buttons on my blouse.  I can taste the salt from my own body as he comes back up to kiss me deeply.

He had stopped talking.  I snapped out of the daydream and smiled at him. 

“Come on, Dayna.  Let’s go down to my boat and go for a cruise.”

I didn’t know what to say.  Part of me said no, but the other part of me said YES!  And so within ten minutes of leaving the bar, we were on his boat.  In his house actually since he lived on the “Darling Dana”.

“You might want to change the boat’s name, Jess.  Your wife won’t like that she has the same name as me.”

“She wasn’t named after you, you know.”

I was nervous.  What did he want?  What did I want?  My libido was driving me to do things I might regret.  But then again wasn’t I being presumptuous about this invitation?  Jesse had always let me lead the way.  No pressure; always what I wanted.  Maybe he was hoping for what I was wanting right this minute.  I didn’t know what to say.  Weren’t we going out on the water?  If so, why were we down in the galley?  Shouldn’t he be starting the boat up and getting her untied?

And then it happened.  His lips were on mine, and then down my neck to that hollow spot, lingering there for what seemed like an eternity.  My hands were rigid at my side.  My nipples were already impossibly hard. 

His hands were in my hair, his mouth searching out mine.   My mind was swimming. It felt so good; so right; so wrong.

Just as suddenly, he stopped.  He was very still, hands still on either side of my head.  I opened my eyes and saw his eyes looking right into mine, searching.  He looked so serious.  So tortured. So vulnerable. So desirable.

I raised my hands up and placed them on each side of his face, leaned in and kissed him with all I had.

Anyone who longs for holiday tradition should take a peek inside my December.  This is one of my family traditions I really look forward to:

The second Saturday of every December we get together early in the morning for the Christmas tree farm excursion.  Rain or shine.  Thank goodness we do not trek out into the mountains in search of the perfect tree as we used to when I was growing up.  Now it’s my brothers and their families, solo me and my mom and dad.  We head out in a convoy of 3 SUVs loaded with kids and even a couple of dogs.

After much discussion and deliberation, we drink hot cocoa while the trees are loaded atop the vehicles.  Then its a few hours of unloading and set up.  Oldest brother’s first, then middle brother’s, mine and then our parents’.  The decorating is left to each individual household except for our parents’.  At their house we eat a hearty lunch and dive into the boxes of ornaments.  Mom is a fancy-pants type lady.  You’d think that her Christmas tree was of the designer –type; a department store gem, but alas, she is a true sentimental, loading her tree with nostalgia from Christmases past.  Decorating the family tree is like taking a trip down Memory Lane.  The boxes hold all types of ornaments.  Grade-school treasures, family and individual vacation mementos, personal achievements, first year married, baby’s first Christmas, kids’ and grandkids’ sports and activities, milestones of any and every kind.  Plus there’s an ornament from every year my parents have been married.  They pick one out together each year the weekend after Thanksgiving.

“Lookie here, Dayna,” mom said with teasing in her voice.  It’s hard to tell what she came across.  I cringed when I saw the ornament she was holding up.  A photo frame made of fabric – the one I made in Home Ed in 10^th grade.  The photo inside was of me and Jesse at that fall’s homecoming dance.  I’d been so proud of the frame that earned me an “A” but more proud of the boyfriend I had that year.

Ugh!

My brother immediately changed the mood by ruffling my hair and yelling “Nice dress!  And look at that awful Tux!” 

The whole room erupted in laughter as the ornament was passed around.  I cringed as I thought of Jesse getting married next year.  He’d hesitated when my mom had invited him to our tree decorating party today.  Said he already had plans.  He hasn’t missed it in the past couple of years since he came back into my (our) lives.  I guess it’s different for him now with his fiancé and other things to occupy his time than hanging out with my family.

After hot drinks and appetizers we went to the parade.  So much fun to watch the faces of my nephews and nieces when the Santa Claus float finally comes down the street!  Then there’s the Christmas tree lighting and bon fire in the park followed by live Christmas music to sing and dance to.

I expected to see Jesse.  I looked forward to it actually because I haven’t met his fiancé yet.  I hadn’t expected him to be so standoffish or his girl to be so snotty.  I was completely taken aback by them.  My brother spotted them first and went over to say hello.  I followed with a smile on my face that quickly evaporated when he said a generic greeting and tight introduction to his fiancé.  She nodded and said a quiet “hi” all the while looking me up and down.

“That was weird.” I whispered as they walked away.  The entire conversation lasted about 2 minutes and consisted of talk about the weather, and a no to the invitation to come by for a drink afterwards.

“Yeah, weird.  I don’t like his girlfriend.” My brother said.

“So it’s not just me, then?”  I worried that I’d been too sensitive or that I’d exaggerated it somehow.

“No.  And she does not seem like his type.  Weird.”  He shrugged it off and we joined our family.  It really bothered me though.  I thought he’d found a great gal.  Although no one had met her, we all assumed she’d be a good match for him.  Maybe so for the new, unanimated Jesse.

Huh.

What is the deal with in-laws?  A loaded question perhaps but here I was on a girl’s getaway trip with my mom and two sisters-in-law and I had to bite my tongue several times.

For those who do not know much of my history, here it is in a nutshell.  My family is extremely close.  We have traditional holidays and gatherings more than once a month.  We all live within 3-5 miles of each other.  My oldest brother even bought my parents’ house when the time came for them to downsize ~ so the ‘family home’ wouldn’t go to strangers.

I have 2 older brothers.  I am the baby and the only girl.  So, yes, a bit of a princess if you want to call me that.  I don’t like the term but what can I say - if the glass slipper fits….

My brothers are successful.  Their wives are nice women, not snobs.  I get along with them because we like each other, because we’ve known each other for a long time.  Because we are family, not because we have to.

I am doing well in my career too.  Am independent, own my house and enjoy some of the finer things in life.  I was married once but that ended about 7 years ago – before I started my business.  So in other words, I’ve done it all on my own.  I don’t have kids.  I’d like one someday but I have yet to find the man whose child I want to bear.  Big deal.  There are thousands of girls just like me.

Okay so here it is:

We’re on the train coming home from the trip.  It was a long weekend of marathon shopping, wine drinking and dining.  I was exhausted and a bit depressed thinking about this same trip I took with someone I was very attached to this time last year.  Mom had gotten up to use the restroom.  I was lying back with my eyes closed.  They were chatting away and apparently thought I was asleep. 

“Poor Dayna,” Catie whispered.  “Another year gone and she’s still alone.”

“It must be hard for her that Jesse’s getting married,” Toni chimed in.

“What happened to her boyfriend from this summer?”

“She wanted to get serious and he didn’t.”

“I think the same thing happened with Rick last year.”

I couldn’t believe my ears.  That they were talking about me was a shock enough but drawing the wrong conclusions?!?  For a second I thought about pretending to be asleep and hearing them out but I figured I should set them straight.

“I can hear you…”  I said, sitting up.  The looks on their faces was priceless.  They started to back pedal saying how sorry they were that I heard it, etc.

“Are you sorry I heard it or sorry that you said it?  What you think about me is so far from the real thing it’s pathetic!”  I couldn’t help but yell.  A few heads turned my way and just then I saw Mom coming down the aisle to take her seat.  Great.

“You don’t know the first thing about me!  Mind your own business and stay out of mine!”

“What the hell is going on?”  Mom wanted to know.

“Ask them!”  I spat as I pushed past Mom to the restroom.

So there it is:  everyone has an opinion of me and my pathetic-looking life.  Once upon a time I’d have laughed at them and said they were just jealous but their speculating hit me hard.  Of course I want a love of my own.  Of course I want what they have, what my parents have, what my friends have.  But I will not settle for some guy just to satisfy the natural progression of a life.  I will not attempt to put a square peg in a round hole.  Why do I care what they think?  Because they are my family.  Because we are close as sisters.  The girls who I thought admired me for my independence actually pity me.  That’s a bitter pill to swallow.

10/30/08

I am working on me.  Here’s how that went today:

6 am: up and in the shower.  I try to think positive thoughts.  I am a strong person, a good friend, a nice girl.

Well, scratch that last thing, but I’m trying!

7 am: in the car with my soy latte’.  Listening to self help shit on CD.  It all sounds like a load.  I like my cyber-shrink better (you know who you are!!)

7:30 am: at my desk at the health club, checking email.  An invitation from a former FWB.  My mind wanders to sexy thoughts. NO!  I tell myself “you are supposed to be focusing on yourself and your well-being.”  Celibacy sucks!  But I’m determined to stick with it.  Supposedly this will help me “find the real me”

I check my messages on Vox.  Hmmm…that was interesting…

8 am -11 am:  working on helping others with their nutritional needs. (my job at the club)

11:30 am: I am done with my part time job and am changing into my workout clothes.  Hit the treadmill.  The guy across from me is smiling. He’s new here.  I’ve seen him once before.  Nice smile.  Cute face.  Great ass.  I change the incline on the machine and now we’re taking a hike up a hill and he stops to rest.  I come up behind him and place my palms on his rock hard gluts.  He sighs and turns around to face me.  Brushes his finger along my cheek, leans in for kiss and then

“Hey how long are you gonna be on there?”  Someone asks me.

“I’m done,” I say and head for the exit.  Mr. Great Ass is gone.  Thank God.  Dr. Headhealer would like to hear about this scenario but isn’t going to.

1 pm: back at my home office.  Going over my clients’ files while scarfing a chicken salad sandwich. And they come to ME for advice?  I need to get a grip on more than my sexual fantasies.

1:30 pm: client appointment

2:30 pm: client appointment

3:30 pm: client appointment

4:30 pm: client appointment

5:30 pm:  check phone messages.  Mel wants to go out to dinner.  Mom wants me to come to dinner.  Gage wants to meet for drinks. (fuck, I can’t do it but want to so badly!)  Jesse called to say hi, do I want to hang out and watch a movie?  (why am I afraid of his friendship?)  Sandy wants to go to happy hour and then ladies’ night at the casino. (no, can’t be around men right now.)  Girl Scouts of America called to confirm my speaking engagement (career women of the Northwest – good thing it’s not anything on a personal level)

I decided that I should see Jesse.  It’s been months since he’s been around and I really need a male friend right now.  It’s part of my therapy.  To be friends with an attractive man in which no sexual contact will be made.  He’s really sexy though.  Especially when it’s been a while for me.  But I have my reasons, right?  I reach for the phone and then wonder how it’s helpful to torture myself?  It would be so nice to be held. And kissed.  And touched.  Shit!  I slam  the phone down and take a cold shower.

7 pm:  I am eating dinner at Mom and Dad’s – for the 3^rd time this week.  It’s a safe zone.  Tomorrow is going to be rough.  Costume party at Mel’s. I have to go.  I can’t break tradition.  She’s expecting me and she’s invited several single men for me to meet.  Great.  I can’t even tell my best friend that I’m on the wagon. I think Jesse will be there.  That’ll be good.  A friend to hang out with.  I need to practice being friends with a guy.  Nothing more than friends.  I did that before with Rick. Friends for a long time.  Took it really slow.  So slow and so fine that I fell in love.  Only I couldn’t handle it and had to sabotage it. 

My mind wanders.  I hear my dad talking vaguely about someone I know.  He’s droning on about how great it is.  Somethin about how I’ll really like her. 

“Dayna, did you hear me?”  He asks.

“Sorry, Daddy.  I have a headache tonight.  What did you say?”

My mom busts in and answers for him:

“He said Jesse’s getting married!  Isn’t that wonderful, honey?”

Well it's finally here - my European vacation.  I'm really excited about leaving on Wednesday.  I won't be back till may first but I'll have my lap top with me so maybe I'll get some blogging in while away?

Jesse came by over the weekend to tell me he and his girlfriend broke up.  He seemed a little down and so I opened a couple of beers to cheer him up.  He said he's glad the LD thing is over because the back and forth to CA was killing him.  I told him he has my dad's company to run here pretty soon and he said he wanted to talk to me about that when I get back.  He's going to ask for my help and I'll firmly but politely say "no".  I have two jobs of my own right now for god's sake.

I saw Rick today.  At a gas station near Mel's house.  I pulled in to get gas and quickly left when I saw him at the pump.  I don't want him seeing me in my "who-gives-a-shit-Sunday" attire.  Our next encounter will be me looking hot and him eating crow.  Humph!  I'm pretty sure he saw my car but I have tinted windows so he really didn't see me.

There's a guy at the fitness club who keeps smiling at me.  Good looking and seems a bit shy but he's probably married so I'm glad he hasn't worked up the nerve to talk to me.  Then again, maybe he's single because most married guys I know have no problem striking up a conversation - the dogs!  I guess I could break the ice with him one of these days.

So much has happened this last month.  It took me a really long time to get over that blasted cold.  I fumbled with work and barely had enough energy to get through the day.  It was a terrible virus that has hit my area really hard.

I think Jesse embarrassed himself so much by our kiss that he didn’t have the nerve to call or come by the rest of the time I was sick. 

I called him when I was feeling better and asked if he wanted to go to dinner. 

He apologized for the kiss and said he’d only have friendly thoughts of me from now on.  I’ve heard that one before.  And actually I wouldn’t have minded exploring the possibility of “us” a bit but I know he has a girlfriend so I let it go.

We met for happy hour at the restaurant next to the marina where he moors his boat.  We had such a good time laughing and talking it really did feel like we were friends again.  He ruined the atmosphere when he probed me about Rick.

“I know about that guy who broke your heart.  Your brother told me all about it and how it ruined you for the holidays.  Are you okay?”

“I’d be better if I could tell you it wasn’t my fault that he dumped me but it was my fault.  I pushed him away with my commitment phobia and when he finally called me back to get closure he told me he couldn’t share me”

“Who were you seeing since I wasn’t here?” he joked.

“That’s the funny part.  No one.  He just wanted to protect himself from the inevitable I guess.  I’m okay with it now and don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

But I’m not okay with it.  That conversation with Rick was excruciating.  After a couple of weeks of me calling and emailing him he finally called me back.  He was quiet and reserved and seemed to have rehearsed what he wanted to say.  He told me that he really missed me and was aching inside but knew that I’d never settle down with him or anyone else so there was no point in getting back together.  I begged his forgiveness for my character flaws and told him I was changing and really thinking about things differently.  I told him I was so miserable without him that it proved I was different now than when we met.  He said he thinks I just want what I can’t have.  He’s right about that.  I do want what I can’t have – doesn’t everyone?  Isn’t that human nature?  Isn’t that why he wanted me to be all his?  Because he knew that was unlikely?  I got angry and said those things to him.  I told him he messed me up with his ‘I’ll wait for you to come around to my way of thinking’ and his ‘I don’t want to be without you so I won’t do things to scare you off’ bullshit.  All he did was make me feel worse about myself and that completely shattered my image of him.  He was leading me to believe he was different and that’s why I was falling for him.  Then he pulled the rug out from under me.  I told him I think he enjoyed fucking with my head and hung up on him.

After I recuperated from the plague, I helped my parents start packing their stuff.  Sadly they sold my life-long house.  Dad just can’t do the stairs anymore so they bought another house on the lake a bit down the shore.   It’s a medium sized rambler with a nice yard for mom to put around in.  The good news is that my brother was able to buy the family home.  Although it’ll be different at least mom can keep her ideals about family traditions and holidays in the only home she’s known since she was a young bride.  It’s been hard on her since all her children grew up there and she has literally made it what it is today.  Dad always had his business to run that was his baby and mom had the house, the yard and us kids.  I feel sorry for my sister in law because she’ll have a hell of a time keeping mom at bay with decorating and all that goes into running a home.  I tried to swap houses with them and keep everything the same but they wouldn’t do it because they wanted to be surrounded by their own things and wanted me to be with mine.

The business is in the process of being sold as well.  Jesse is trying to buy it but there’s another man that is aggressively pursuing it so we’ll see what happens.

I started my new job at the gym on 2/18 and so far so good.  I like the atmosphere very much and being with the health conscious is great.  I love helping people make smart food choices.  Of course I still have my private practice but its different being at the fitness club.  I think I need to be around people these days instead of being the only one in my office and letting my mind wander to destructive thoughts.  It’s my goal to grow my practice and rent office space, find some other coaches to share the space with.

But for now I get the best of both worlds.  My private office and then the public one part time at the club.

I’ve been doing okay – plugging along.  Business is good, keeps me busy and on track on my personal journey to fitness.

I came down with a cold over the weekend and stayed in bed most of the time.  Jesse called to say hello and when he heard my stuffy-nosed voice, he must’ve felt sorry for me because a little while later he was ringing my doorbell with a brown bag in hand.

I laughed as he ‘admired’ the old sweats I had on.  Said he recognized them from high school.  Which isn’t true because anything I had back then wouldn’t fit me now (thank god) But he was right about one thing: they are really, really old.  There’s paint on them and they’re too short due to shrinking over the years and they are worn at the knees a bit.  They’ve served me well for chores and yard work but most recently they’re only worn when I don’t feel good.  Kind of a comfort thing.

“What’s in the bag?”  I asked.

“Just get on the couch and let Dr. Jess take care of you,” he laughed as he headed into my kitchen.  I heard him rummage around and after a few minutes he returned with a bowl of chicken soup and a Gatorade.

“Did you make this for me?”  I asked and on closer inspection realized it was chicken tortilla soup – one of my faves! 

“Unless I recently went to cooking school, no, but I did lovingly pick it up for you at that Mexican place you like.”

Oh yeah, that Mexican place I like.  The one I haven’t been to in a couple months.  The one Rick and I met at on our ‘getting acquainted dinner date” and then every Tuesday after that.

Jesse saw my expression change and asked me what that was all about.  I started to cry.  He immediately put his arms around me and held me tight.  He didn’t ask what was wrong, just held me.  He stroked my head and patted my back.  I got hold of myself after a couple minutes and then told him I was just so miserable with my cold that I felt like crying all of a sudden. 

He reached for my face and wiped a tear away.  And then out of the blue he leaned in and kissed me.  I saw it in his eyes before he did it and my defenses were so down that all I did was close my eyes and accept his kiss.  Tentative and sweet at first and realizing I was kissing him back, it deepened into a passionate kiss.  I didn’t pull away.  It felt so good.  He pushed on and his hand traveled down my cheek to my breast.  Then he abruptly stopped himself and stood up.

“Jeez, Dayna, I’m so sorry!  I don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s okay.  Nothing to worry about except catching my cold.  And if you do, I’ll bring you soup.”  I smiled at him as he grabbed his coat. 

“Hope you feel better.  I’ll call you later,” he said lamely as he rushed out the door.

I sighed as I tasted my soup.  Jesse and I are always on different planes when it comes to us.  There’s always something in our way.  When he’s ready to go for it, I’m not.  And vice versa.

I suppose it's better this way.  

I woke up with the feeling someone was watching me.  When I opened my eyes I saw Jesse hovering over me, smiling in an amused and somewhat confused way.  
“Somehow I got you into my bed and I don’t remember a thing.  I guess my life can’t get any worse.”
“Good morning to you too,” I said.
“Thanks, D.”
“No problem, I’m sure you’d do it for me.”
“What happened?” he asked.
“Not what you’re thinking – we’re both fully clothed.”
“That’s too bad because I’m sure I would’ve been legendary.”
“Yeah it was legendary alright but not in that way.”
“I’m sorry, Dayna.  Last night must’ve been awful for you.  Please tell me what you know.  I really don’t remember anything and it had to have been bad if you felt you needed to stay with me.”
“Be glad you don’t remember.  Somehow I thought spending the night with you would be a bit different,” I teased.
“I’m sorry.  You’re not going to tell me are you?”
“I know more about your private life than you’d ever want me to know.  I couldn’t leave you as drunk as you were.  It wouldn’t have been...safe.”
Jesse groaned and lay back down on the pillow.  His pride was hurting as much as I’m sure his head was.
I got up and stretched.
“Wanna go for a run?”  I mocked.
“Funny.  What I want to know is what I told you last night.”
“Don’t worry about it.  Can I get you anything before I go?  An aspirin?  Some water?”
He was up and out of bed now.  His hair was sticking up and out all over his head.  His day-old beard was scruffy on his chin and his eyes were rimmed red from crying and drinking.  He walked over to me and put out his arms.
“A hug.  That’s all I want right now.”
I laughed and went to him.  He was warm and slightly sweaty and reeked of whiskey.  He rubbed my back and whispered into my ear “thank god for you, D.  I owe you one.”  I sighed and pushed away.  I felt really close to him at that moment and I wanted to get away.
“Let’s call it even for all your help with dad and the business, okay?”
I was out of the bedroom and was grabbing my purse and keys.  He was right next to me and kind of blocked my way a little.  He didn’t want me to leave.
“Will you come back again tonight?  I want to talk to you some more.”
I told him I’d meet him for our dinner we had missed the night before.
---------
I went straight to the gym to work out.  Afterwards I met Rick for coffee by his office.  It was nice to be with him but my mind was wandering and he could tell.  He asked and I said it was nothing.  He seemed to down his coffee and make excuses to get back to work.  I’d shut him out.  Nice.  Here were go, I thought.  He got up to leave and squeezed my shoulder.  “Let me know if I can help,” he said and left.  I felt bad.  Damn it Jesse, why do you have to come between me and my happiness?

Mel called – wanting to know where I was last night.  Why was my cell phone turned off?  Her call went straight to voicemail.  
Was I sick?  Did I spend the night with Rick?
“You’re pretty nosy you know.  And no I spent the night with Jesse actually.”
“Get out! “ she yelled.
“I did and it was unforgettable.”  I teased.
I told her the story and she was silent with shock.  I had to assure her that we were just friends and of course she didn’t believe me.  I told her about Rick acting miffed and that he hadn’t called all day and hadn’t come home yet this evening.
“He knows I was gone all night.  I didn’t tell him anything and I’m pretty sure if I was with you or my folks I would’ve told him and that’s what’s bugging him.”
“Tell him”
“Why should I?  We aren’t an item.  I don’t owe him an explanation.”
“Jeez, Dayna.  Classic running away from the guy who likes you.”
“Whatever.”  I said lamely.  She was right.  On so many levels.  I always sabotage my love life.  I hung up with her and called Rick.  He wasn’t home; I knew that cause his car wasn’t in the driveway.  I left a dumb message.  I felt stupid trying to explain so I didn’t.  I just said, “Hey it’s me.  Call me, we need to talk.”
He came home right before I had to leave to meet Jesse.  He called and asked me to come over.  I called Jesse and told him I was going to be late and to wait for me at his place since I didn’t know how I’d be.  How long does it take to get dumped?  Five minutes?  Thirty?  An hour?  

Rick answered the door with a glass of wine for me.  This was going to be a while because I smelled dinner cooking.  He was making something fantastic too.  Shit.

In the paper the other day was the notice of dissolution of Jesse’s marriage. Divorced. Finito. So he finally got his wish. Karen finally signed the papers. I’ve never asked him about it in the past few months he’s been helping out with Dad’s business. He’s had a sad aura about him lately that I didn’t dare inquire about.

Dad’s doing better and his speech is getting clearer. He’s planning on selling the business, which will be a relief for all of us. I know he’s set up some good retirement plans for the day he was done working. He’s trying to convince Mom to move from the big house on the lake into a condo and she is refusing 100%. It’s hard for him to maneuver through the house with a walker and having to sleep downstairs in a guestroom is depressing to him I think. I’m keeping my eyes open for a one-story house to come on up for sale on the lake. I know Mom doesn’t want to leave the lake and all the memories our house holds. My oldest brother has told me in private that he is looking into buying the house from them – to help with the loss Mom is feeling. I have offered to trade with them until things are more settled. I have a one-story home not far from theirs.

I’m just happy that Dad is home and up to making decisions. And I think it’s wise to make these while he can because we never know what the future holds. Mom is blissfully happy too and of course is full of plans that don’t include moving. She’s planning a "small" welcome home party for Dad and will hold a larger retirement party when the time comes.

I came home from a day at the beach with Mel and her kids to a message from Jesse. I was shocked to hear his voice. It’s been months since he’s called me. Even when we were working together he never called me. We just awkwardly talked at the office.

Wow.

He didn’t sound right and I called him back right away. I was curious about a lot of things. We agreed to meet for dinner at the restaurant that’s next to the marina. The one we met at the day I told him I’d betrayed him.

I got there early and sat at the bar. A little time went by and it was past the time to meet and he wasn’t there yet so I decided to go over to his boat and get him. He was there, lying down inside. The door to below was open and I could see him on the sofa.

"Jesse?" I said as I came aboard.

He awoke with a start and looked a little confused at first.

"Oh Dayna! It’s so good to see you! What brings you here?" He asked.

He was wasted. I spotted the almost empty bottle of whiskey on the table.

"We were supposed to meet for dinner tonight. Don’t you remember?"

"That’s not tonight, is it?"

"I thought so, but we can do it another night" I turned to leave, it embarrassed me to see Jesse this way.

"No, please stay. Have a drink with me" he slurred.

"I can’t. I’ll call you tomorrow. Take care"

I thought I heard a sob and I looked back to see him bent over, head in his hands.

Shit.

I went inside and sat down next to him. He was crying. I rubbed his back and told him it was okay.

"No it’s not. I’m divorced now you know. I thought I’d be happy when it was finally over but I feel like such a loser."

"Why do you say that? You have a lot going for you," I said.

"I really don’t. You’re looking at it. She got it all Dayna. The house, the vacation home, the cars. All I have is this boat and my truck. She got it all and she got it all paid off. I had to wipe out every account I had to take care of it. The court screwed me. She claimed all kinds of cruel things I supposedly did to her. She screamed mental anguish and abuse. She never worked a day in our married life and apparently the judge thinks she should continue to live in the manner she was accustomed to."

"Well she won’t be able to do it for long. She may have all those things paid for out right but she’ll have to do something to pay bills," I tried to console him. "She’s going to have to start selling stuff off for that to happen if she doesn’t get a job."

"She’s getting married."

"WHAT?!" I screamed.

"Yep. She had a guy the whole time. Having his kid and their happy little family’s going to live in my house and vacation in my beach house and drive my cars. Un-fuckin-believable."

I couldn’t believe my ears. All the games she played with Jesse and with me were for her personal gain. She played the victim so she could get everything in the end. She didn’t want him and she wanted to make sure that no one else would either.

I thought about her phone message to me that night. I felt sick to my stomach.

I got up and got myself a glass with ice in it. Stunned and numb I poured myself a whiskey. This was going to be a long night. I was worried about Jesse and there was no way I was going to leave him alone. I knew he still had his company and he’d land on his feet eventually but right now he felt like everything was lost. Probably even me.

Jesse leaned into me and I put my arm around his shoulder. "It IS going to be alright, Jess. I’ll be here to help you get things right. Don’t worry about anything okay?" I told him. My family and I owed him for the help he’d given us during our tough time and I meant what I said about seeing him through it.

I poured another drink and turned on the TV. Jesse positioned himself so he was lying down with his head in my lap. I stroked his hair and turned off the lamp. The gentle rocking of the boat, the booze and the droning of the TV put me to sleep. I woke up around midnight and woke Jesse up too. I helped him into his room and into bed. I crawled in next to him and lay on his chest. He fell asleep quickly but I stayed awake for almost an hour wondering and worrying about what would come next.

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through

I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you

We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said I'd give my life for just one kiss
I'd live for your smile and die for your kiss

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you

We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you

HEARD THIS SONG TODAY AND THOUGHT OF YOU....

J.