17 posts tagged “rick”
Champagne cocktail $9
Strappy sandals $94
Party dress…$200
Look on my face after RICK asked me to dance…
Priceless
I’m sure my face was contorted as I tried to mask my feelings of shock, horror and happiness.
I wanted to run, scream, slap him, kiss him.
All I could muster was a weak “sure” and headed to the dance floor.
He'd come out of nowhere. The element of surprise was his advantage. What was he doing here? How long had he been here? I was confused and pleased; annoyed and angry.
The song was an awkward tempo: not fast, not slow. A medium-paced song that leaves the dance floor half empty. I looked at him and his cocky half smile. I took in his straight white teeth and fresh-shaved face. His expensive-looking shirt and the scent of his distinct cologne. My stomach did a flip when he took my hand and brought it to his lips to kiss it. I pulled it back quickly and thanked God the song was over and I could retreat back to my table.
The girls at the table looked curious as I sat down, ignoring the good-looking man following behind me. I needed a second to get my composure. He’d been gone from my life a long time and I thought my feelings for him - the good, the bad and the ugly - were subsiding. I was wrong. The chaos inside my head was overwhelming.
I never even thought about what I’d do in a situation like this because I never thought in a million years this would happen. Utterly unprepared was I. I’d put my defenses up; play it cool and uncaring. But my heart won out as I realized I was just so damned happy to see him. Playing games takes too much energy.
“Do you want to sit down?” Sandi asked Rick as she gestured to the chair next to mine that she’d vacated. Rick looked at me questioningly as he sat. I made the introductions then started firing off all the questions I had for him. The club was loud, making our conversation difficult so I gave up. Pretty much all I got was that his aunt had passed away; he was in Washington taking care of arrangements, was here with his cousin and was so glad to see me. There was no way I was going to let bitterness ruin this reunion. It could be a fun night, he’d leave in a few days and we’d get the good closure we didn’t get the last time we met.
Rick’s cousin joined us and we all danced and laughed and the hours ticked by like minutes. I was having a really good time and was surprised when the countdown to midnight started. Everyone in the club was chanting the numbers along with the newscasters at the Space Needle event on the big screen TV. A collective “HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” was yelled, glasses were raised, horns were blown and I got kissed. A big, friendly, meant-to-be-platonic New Year’s kiss, but my heart flipped just the same. I hugged Rick, said Happy New Year, and then excused myself to the ladies’ room.
He was waiting for me when I came out. Waiting in the little alcove tucked to the side of the restroom entrances. His smile was genuine as I walked toward him. He took a step to close the distance and with one hand behind my head and the other on my waist, kissed me in a not meant-to-be-platonic way.
The warm glow I had was keeping me from resisting. I had thought about this all evening, though I knew I shouldn’t and now his lips were on mine, moving down my neck. His hand moved to my ass, pushing my pelvis into his. I could taste the salt from my own body as he came back up to kiss me deeply. It was much too much for a public place, even if we were out of the way of the main traffic.
“God, Dayna,” he sighed. “I’ve missed you so much.”
I was speechless. The champagne, or probably the kiss, had cluttered my mind. I smiled weakly and took his hands off my waist, still holding them in mine. It would be the easiest thing in the world to tell him the same and take him home. It would be so wonderful, I knew, but it was wrong for me. All wrong. I wasn’t capable of a hook-up with him. After all this time I knew I still had feelings and a one-nighter would hurt me more than help me. The memories of how good it was with him were tempting me. I felt like a woman in a cartoon with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other – both telling her how to act. The devil wanted self gratification and a good-bye fuck while the angel warned of all the trouble he’d caused me.
I sighed.
“I’ve tried hard to not think of you so I wouldn’t miss you. And that’s why I have to leave now. Happy New Year, Rick. Take care.” I dropped his hands and started to walk away. He was right at my side within seconds.
“Let me drive you home.”
“It’s a bad idea. Please, let’s talk tomorrow.”
“Okay,” he said reluctantly.
He walked with me to the exit and opened the cab door for me. He leaned in and kissed me again, a goodnight kiss absent of the longing I felt in the last one.
“Tomorrow…” he said as he closed the door. I looked away but I was not quick enough. His crooked grin was etched on my mind as I sat in silence on the ride home.
I was proud of myself for not giving in – as hard as it was. It felt good to make the right choice.
What is the deal with in-laws? A loaded question perhaps but here I was on a girl’s getaway trip with my mom and two sisters-in-law and I had to bite my tongue several times.
For those who do not know much of my history, here it is in a nutshell. My family is extremely close. We have traditional holidays and gatherings more than once a month. We all live within 3-5 miles of each other. My oldest brother even bought my parents’ house when the time came for them to downsize ~ so the ‘family home’ wouldn’t go to strangers.
I have 2 older brothers. I am the baby and the only girl. So, yes, a bit of a princess if you want to call me that. I don’t like the term but what can I say - if the glass slipper fits….
My brothers are successful. Their wives are nice women, not snobs. I get along with them because we like each other, because we’ve known each other for a long time. Because we are family, not because we have to.
I am doing well in my career too. Am independent, own my house and enjoy some of the finer things in life. I was married once but that ended about 7 years ago – before I started my business. So in other words, I’ve done it all on my own. I don’t have kids. I’d like one someday but I have yet to find the man whose child I want to bear. Big deal. There are thousands of girls just like me.
Okay so here it is:
We’re on the train coming home from the trip. It was a long weekend of marathon shopping, wine drinking and dining. I was exhausted and a bit depressed thinking about this same trip I took with someone I was very attached to this time last year. Mom had gotten up to use the restroom. I was lying back with my eyes closed. They were chatting away and apparently thought I was asleep.
“Poor Dayna,” Catie whispered. “Another year gone and she’s still alone.”
“It must be hard for her that Jesse’s getting married,” Toni chimed in.
“What happened to her boyfriend from this summer?”
“She wanted to get serious and he didn’t.”
“I think the same thing happened with Rick last year.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. That they were talking about me was a shock enough but drawing the wrong conclusions?!? For a second I thought about pretending to be asleep and hearing them out but I figured I should set them straight.
“I can hear you…” I said, sitting up. The looks on their faces was priceless. They started to back pedal saying how sorry they were that I heard it, etc.
“Are you sorry I heard it or sorry that you said it? What you think about me is so far from the real thing it’s pathetic!” I couldn’t help but yell. A few heads turned my way and just then I saw Mom coming down the aisle to take her seat. Great.
“You don’t know the first thing about me! Mind your own business and stay out of mine!”
“What the hell is going on?” Mom wanted to know.
“Ask them!” I spat as I pushed past Mom to the restroom.
So there it is: everyone has an opinion of me and my pathetic-looking life. Once upon a time I’d have laughed at them and said they were just jealous but their speculating hit me hard. Of course I want a love of my own. Of course I want what they have, what my parents have, what my friends have. But I will not settle for some guy just to satisfy the natural progression of a life. I will not attempt to put a square peg in a round hole. Why do I care what they think? Because they are my family. Because we are close as sisters. The girls who I thought admired me for my independence actually pity me. That’s a bitter pill to swallow.
10/30/08
I am working on me. Here’s how that went today:
6 am: up and in the shower. I try to think positive thoughts. I am a strong person, a good friend, a nice girl.
Well, scratch that last thing, but I’m trying!
7 am: in the car with my soy latte’. Listening to self help shit on CD. It all sounds like a load. I like my cyber-shrink better (you know who you are!!)
7:30 am: at my desk at the health club, checking email. An invitation from a former FWB. My mind wanders to sexy thoughts. NO! I tell myself “you are supposed to be focusing on yourself and your well-being.” Celibacy sucks! But I’m determined to stick with it. Supposedly this will help me “find the real me”
I check my messages on Vox. Hmmm…that was interesting…
8 am -11 am: working on helping others with their nutritional needs. (my job at the club)
11:30 am: I am done with my part time job and am changing into my workout clothes. Hit the treadmill. The guy across from me is smiling. He’s new here. I’ve seen him once before. Nice smile. Cute face. Great ass. I change the incline on the machine and now we’re taking a hike up a hill and he stops to rest. I come up behind him and place my palms on his rock hard gluts. He sighs and turns around to face me. Brushes his finger along my cheek, leans in for kiss and then
“Hey how long are you gonna be on there?” Someone asks me.
“I’m done,” I say and head for the exit. Mr. Great Ass is gone. Thank God. Dr. Headhealer would like to hear about this scenario but isn’t going to.
1 pm: back at my home office. Going over my clients’ files while scarfing a chicken salad sandwich. And they come to ME for advice? I need to get a grip on more than my sexual fantasies.
1:30 pm: client appointment
2:30 pm: client appointment
3:30 pm: client appointment
4:30 pm: client appointment
5:30 pm: check phone messages. Mel wants to go out to dinner. Mom wants me to come to dinner. Gage wants to meet for drinks. (fuck, I can’t do it but want to so badly!) Jesse called to say hi, do I want to hang out and watch a movie? (why am I afraid of his friendship?) Sandy wants to go to happy hour and then ladies’ night at the casino. (no, can’t be around men right now.) Girl Scouts of America called to confirm my speaking engagement (career women of the Northwest – good thing it’s not anything on a personal level)
I decided that I should see Jesse. It’s been months since he’s been around and I really need a male friend right now. It’s part of my therapy. To be friends with an attractive man in which no sexual contact will be made. He’s really sexy though. Especially when it’s been a while for me. But I have my reasons, right? I reach for the phone and then wonder how it’s helpful to torture myself? It would be so nice to be held. And kissed. And touched. Shit! I slam the phone down and take a cold shower.
7 pm: I am eating dinner at Mom and Dad’s – for the 3rd time this week. It’s a safe zone. Tomorrow is going to be rough. Costume party at Mel’s. I have to go. I can’t break tradition. She’s expecting me and she’s invited several single men for me to meet. Great. I can’t even tell my best friend that I’m on the wagon. I think Jesse will be there. That’ll be good. A friend to hang out with. I need to practice being friends with a guy. Nothing more than friends. I did that before with Rick. Friends for a long time. Took it really slow. So slow and so fine that I fell in love. Only I couldn’t handle it and had to sabotage it.
My mind wanders. I hear my dad talking vaguely about someone I know. He’s droning on about how great it is. Somethin about how I’ll really like her.
“Dayna, did you hear me?” He asks.
“Sorry, Daddy. I have a headache tonight. What did you say?”
My mom busts in and answers for him:
“He said Jesse’s getting married! Isn’t that wonderful, honey?”
Dr. Headhealer told me it’d be a good idea to apologize to Gage. I called and of course got his voicemail because I figured he never wanted to talk to me again. I told him I’m sorry, that I was wrong to spy on him. Not much else. He took my apology as an invitation to call. We talked for a few minutes about my behavior and he asked me again if I wanted to try to date exclusively. I told him no I wasn’t the type and said we should end it for good on whatever good note we had on that particular day. He counteracted me with his thought that we deserved a chance to see if we’d work out. Obviously I had feelings for him to do what I did. I didn’t have the energy to argue that he didn’t deserve the emotional roller coaster that I tend to put guys on. I just quietly said no, it’s time to move on.
He reluctantly agreed and we said our good-byes. Dr. Headhealer was right about that like she is right about a lot of things. It was a good idea to apologize to Gage and it did make me feel better that I didn’t have yet another man out there who hated my guts. I am damaged goods with enough baggage to sink a ship so it’s also a good idea to leave men out of my life for a while.
But...being alone makes it ever so hard to forget about times when I was happy with a guy.
Like this time last year...
“The changing of the leaves, the shorter days and longer nights. Nights I’ve been spending with Rick. I am addicted to his sexy ways. I have a hard time concentrating on anything these days. I keep hearing a song play in my head “Your Body is a Wonderland” and can’t help but think of us.
I was just getting ready for bed when Rick called.
“Can you hear the rain?” he whispered. It was pouring and water was running through the downspouts and making a fountain sound.
“Yes, I love it”
“Do you know what I love about this weather? Snuggling under a blanket with the window cracked listening to the rain.”
I sighed. This was too good to be true. It’s one of my very most favorite things too – part of why I’ve never left the Northwest. This was Rick’s first rainy season and most Californians do not take comfort in the rain here.
I had intended to spend the night alone but how could I resist this man?
“I’ll be right over,” I said and ran next door in my bathrobe.
There was a fire burning and the faint scent of hot chocolate. There was a big down comforter on the couch and the front window was open slightly, the blinds swaying gently in the breeze. The coffee table had two mugs of cocoa on it and a bowl of popcorn. I thought I should look around for Martha Stewart or something.”
I must’ve been insane or at least stupid for letting this go. I was a fool. My loneliness is making me wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. Nothing I held in such high esteem could possibly be worth the low feeling I have now. I think of him often and long for the days of when we were an “us” – even as long ago as that was.
I’m not in a good mood. I should be: the weather has been exceptional – dry and sunny, cool and crisp. I’ve busied myself with pumpkin farms and harvest parties with my family and friends and their kids but there is a large part of me that’s missing. I do not feel complete. Every time I make a move it feels like a part of me goes away. I need to stop with the casual dating altogether. I will not go out with someone again until I feel a real connection – early on. I will probably never date again in that case. I think the time has come that I don’t want to be single and solo anymore. I am lonely and somewhat sad. I want to be a part of a couple. The not wanting to compromise my own freedom is being out-weighed by my fear of being alone.
My mom asked me the other day what was going on. I smiled and tried to play it off. I started to cry when she said I’ve not been myself for a lot of months and she just wondered where her Dayna’s been. I told her it was complicated. She said “boy problems always are. You know, honey, lots of people wish they had your problems. There are lots of people worse off than you.” It made me feel selfish and worthless and petty. So in a word, worse.
So now I’ve set out for a new type of therapy: Volunteering. I went to volunteermatch.com and have found a few things to do this month. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I need to feel something besides self pity and self loathing. I need to feel some worth again.
I had a dumb smile on my face when I met Mel for dinner. She knew immediately why.
“Who’s the guy?”
“What guy?”
“Don’t give me that shit. I know when you’ve been getting happy”
“Just a guy. No big deal – I probably won’t see him again.”
“Bullshit – you should see your face. Glowing like a candle.”
“Okay, you got me. He’s a 29 year old boy toy that I intend to get happy with some more. Satisfied?”
“After you give me all the details. 29 huh? You never surprise me. Does he know how old you are?”
“No and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And 36 is not old – at least not in my book.”
“You should be feeling old like me – kids dragging you down and making you tired. I’m just jealous and you know it so dish it out. I want to live vicariously through you.”
I told Mel about our fun time together and that I left without saying goodbye. Then I told her about our phone conversation when he woke up and found me gone:
“Do you sleep with men and then disappear without a trace?”
“Yep, that’s how I roll. Got a problem with that?”
“Not really. I like it actually. When do you want to disappear again?”
We made plans to meet after Mel and I had dinner.
That was a few weeks ago and since then we’ve been meeting up regularly. We meet for drinks after work and end up at his apartment for a few hours, then I drive home. I’ve yet to spend the night. And he hasn’t been to my place. He is my toy that I want to play with and put away when I’m done. Terrible, I know.
But it’s really quite fun. It’s a novelty that men have had the pleasure of since the dawn of time. I’m enjoying being seen with a hot younger guy. His appetite for sex is an added benefit.
Gage doesn’t have a lot of money. Hell, he doesn’t have a lot of anything really. His job is entry-level, his car is old, his apartment is small and sparse, and he told me he’s been saving for a vacation for almost a year now.
It all got me wondering so I did a little investigating. Asking about his college friends and what they’re all doing.
Turns out that I met most of them at the house party a while back. And I know the host of that shindig just turned 26 so I got suspicious that Gage lied to me about his age. Not that it matters. It’s not like I’m looking for anything but fun from him but still…why lie?
One night I looked at his license and saw his date of birth: 4-2-82. Wow, barely 26. Ten years younger than me. I almost feel compelled to tell him that. But then I figured he must already know I’m older – that’s why he told me he’s 29. As if that would make a huge difference to me. Would it have? Should it?
What does it matter? He’s hot, good in bed, doesn’t ask a lot of me. So what, right? I think I’ll look at this in a totally different light now. I think I might like being a sugar mama…LOL.
So last weekend Gage asked me if I wanted to stay over with him after we go out for dinner. Our first ‘real’ date since we hooked up that first night. I told him I had a heavy schedule the next day and wanted to be home when I woke up. I could tell he was disappointed. I’m happy with the way things are, why ruin them?
We went to dinner and to my total shock Rick was in the same restaurant. He was at the bar by himself and had a perfect view of me and Gage’s table. He lifted his glass to me and winked. Ass. I moved my chair closer to Gage so my back would be to Rick. We were now side by side along his side of the table. I told him I wanted to have a better view of the water. Gage put his arm around me and pulled me close. He kissed me and pointed to a big boat in the marina. “Wouldn’t it be nice to be on that right now?” My phone rang in my purse and I knew who it’d be so I excused myself to answer it.
“What do you want?” I hissed.
“Who are you babysitting?”
I hung up the phone and turned it off. I walked over to the bar and picked up Rick’s drink. Before I could toss it at him he had a hold of my wrist. I set it down and asked him what he wanted.
“It’s good to see you Dayna. I just wanted to say hello.”
“Well don’t. Ever.”
I could hear him chuckle as I headed back to my table. I sat down and planted a big kiss on Gage’s mouth. I told him to pay the bill and that I’d be waiting outside. He looked confused but I was gone before he could argue.
Part of me wanted to tell Gage why we’d left so abruptly and the other part of me wanted to keep silent. He didn’t need to know what had just happened. I told him that I’d changed my mind about eating and just wanted to go to his place. He seemed to like the idea and he liked it even more when I took all my frustrations out on him. When he was completely spent I got dressed and left with barely a goodbye. He was protesting, wanting to know what was up but I just slammed the door behind me and ran down to my car.
Why did I let that asshole get to me like that? The truth is that I still have feelings for the prick. Of course he was going about it all wrong but I didn’t care. Our budding love for each other has turned to something on the verge of hatred. It fueled me to act reckless with Gage.
I couldn’t go home. It was only 9 pm on a Saturday and I my adrenaline was soaring. I went to the bar by Jesse’s marina. I ordered a dirty martini and downed it like it was water and ordered another to sip on. My phone rang. I thought it’d be Gage. It was Rick again.
“What?!” I yelled into the phone.
“Dayna, I’m sorry I made you so mad. Can we meet somewhere and talk?”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“I’ll do all the talking. Are you with your boyfriend?”
“No.”
“Can we meet?”
“No.”
“Where are you, I’ll come to you.”
“Fine.” I told him where I was and he showed up twenty minutes later. I drinking water by then to make sure I kept my head.
It turned out that Rick was moving back to California and he wanted to say goodbye. He also apologized for treating me like shit. I told him he was a stupid coward because he was the first guy in years that I trusted my heart to and he ruined it by being afraid of me. I thanked him for making my commitment phobia even worse and wished him luck with his fear of strong women. That made him mad and I told him to just go because we’d made a mistake meeting here to talk it out. The bottom line is that it scared me to fall for him and it scared him that’d I’d break his heart. In the end he broke mine and he was scared to fall for me. It was all so very stupid and painful.
I got up and grabbed my purse. I told him it was nice knowing him and I wished him the best of luck in the future. He stood up and gave me a kiss on my cheek. He held me close and I breathed in his cologne. My heart flip-flopped in my chest and a sob caught in my throat.
I muttered goodbye and scurried out the door. I was fully sobbing by the time I reached my car. I sat there for about 5 minutes trying to get a grip. I headed home and took a long shower. I was glad Rick was leaving the state. I wouldn’t have to wonder about him anymore. I knew that we’d never had made it together in the long run. He’d be on guard and suspicious of me and I’d be holding my feelings back.
But it still hurts like hell.
Well it's finally here - my European vacation. I'm really excited about leaving on Wednesday. I won't be back till may first but I'll have my lap top with me so maybe I'll get some blogging in while away?
Jesse came by over the weekend to tell me he and his girlfriend broke up. He seemed a little down and so I opened a couple of beers to cheer him up. He said he's glad the LD thing is over because the back and forth to CA was killing him. I told him he has my dad's company to run here pretty soon and he said he wanted to talk to me about that when I get back. He's going to ask for my help and I'll firmly but politely say "no". I have two jobs of my own right now for god's sake.
I saw Rick today. At a gas station near Mel's house. I pulled in to get gas and quickly left when I saw him at the pump. I don't want him seeing me in my "who-gives-a-shit-Sunday" attire. Our next encounter will be me looking hot and him eating crow. Humph! I'm pretty sure he saw my car but I have tinted windows so he really didn't see me.
There's a guy at the fitness club who keeps smiling at me. Good looking and seems a bit shy but he's probably married so I'm glad he hasn't worked up the nerve to talk to me. Then again, maybe he's single because most married guys I know have no problem striking up a conversation - the dogs! I guess I could break the ice with him one of these days.
Sandi is pretty fun. We went to her friends’ place in Seattle for the St. Patty’s Party and after a couple beers they all decided it would be more fun at a bar so we headed down to an Irish pub a few miles away. This is not just a little bar with an Irish tone to it. It’s called Kell’s and it’s a pretty big deal especially on this night. It was absolutely packed as you can imagine on the Saturday before St. Pat’s. There were the customary Celtic bands playing and the scantily dressed girls in green all around me. I felt a bit weird since I don’t know Sandi well let alone her pals. There was her, me, Robin, Mick (not Irish) Tom and Linda. Basically Sandi and I were the only singles in the bunch. She said she’s used to it (as am I)
Sandi wanted me to loosen up since we were invited to stay in the city and not drive home the 45 miles or so to our town. So I indulged in the whiskey that was pouring freely all around us. It didn’t do much for me except make me feel sick in the hot and crowded room. I had to push my way to the door to get outside for fresh air. I was thanking god I made it outside before my stomach betrayed me.
I met a nice guy outside while he waited for a cab. We hit it off pretty good. He was on his way to another party that he invited me to but I told him I was with some new friends and I didn’t want to be rude. He asked for my phone number so we’ll see what happens. He’s a bit younger than me so it made me feel pretty good.
Easter however didn’t make me feel very good. We did the brunch and egg hunt thing at my brother’s (parents’ old place) and although it was a fun time with the kids all around I felt lonely and had a bad day aching for Rick. I guess being a holiday brings back memories of the last holiday season and being dumped by him.
It’s weird to think that I actually want someone in my life when I was so adamant to be solo for long. It definitely makes me want to gather some single friends to hang out with. All these married people are bringing me down.
I keep getting an advertisement for a singles activity club in my area that I think I might check out one of these days.
So much has happened this last month. It took me a really long time to get over that blasted cold. I fumbled with work and barely had enough energy to get through the day. It was a terrible virus that has hit my area really hard.
I think Jesse embarrassed himself so much by our kiss that he didn’t have the nerve to call or come by the rest of the time I was sick.
I called him when I was feeling better and asked if he wanted to go to dinner.
He apologized for the kiss and said he’d only have friendly thoughts of me from now on. I’ve heard that one before. And actually I wouldn’t have minded exploring the possibility of “us” a bit but I know he has a girlfriend so I let it go.
We met for happy hour at the restaurant next to the marina where he moors his boat. We had such a good time laughing and talking it really did feel like we were friends again. He ruined the atmosphere when he probed me about Rick.
“I know about that guy who broke your heart. Your brother told me all about it and how it ruined you for the holidays. Are you okay?”
“I’d be better if I could tell you it wasn’t my fault that he dumped me but it was my fault. I pushed him away with my commitment phobia and when he finally called me back to get closure he told me he couldn’t share me”
“Who were you seeing since I wasn’t here?” he joked.
“That’s the funny part. No one. He just wanted to protect himself from the inevitable I guess. I’m okay with it now and don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
But I’m not okay with it. That conversation with Rick was excruciating. After a couple of weeks of me calling and emailing him he finally called me back. He was quiet and reserved and seemed to have rehearsed what he wanted to say. He told me that he really missed me and was aching inside but knew that I’d never settle down with him or anyone else so there was no point in getting back together. I begged his forgiveness for my character flaws and told him I was changing and really thinking about things differently. I told him I was so miserable without him that it proved I was different now than when we met. He said he thinks I just want what I can’t have. He’s right about that. I do want what I can’t have – doesn’t everyone? Isn’t that human nature? Isn’t that why he wanted me to be all his? Because he knew that was unlikely? I got angry and said those things to him. I told him he messed me up with his ‘I’ll wait for you to come around to my way of thinking’ and his ‘I don’t want to be without you so I won’t do things to scare you off’ bullshit. All he did was make me feel worse about myself and that completely shattered my image of him. He was leading me to believe he was different and that’s why I was falling for him. Then he pulled the rug out from under me. I told him I think he enjoyed fucking with my head and hung up on him.
After I recuperated from the plague, I helped my parents start packing their stuff. Sadly they sold my life-long house. Dad just can’t do the stairs anymore so they bought another house on the lake a bit down the shore. It’s a medium sized rambler with a nice yard for mom to put around in. The good news is that my brother was able to buy the family home. Although it’ll be different at least mom can keep her ideals about family traditions and holidays in the only home she’s known since she was a young bride. It’s been hard on her since all her children grew up there and she has literally made it what it is today. Dad always had his business to run that was his baby and mom had the house, the yard and us kids. I feel sorry for my sister in law because she’ll have a hell of a time keeping mom at bay with decorating and all that goes into running a home. I tried to swap houses with them and keep everything the same but they wouldn’t do it because they wanted to be surrounded by their own things and wanted me to be with mine.
The business is in the process of being sold as well. Jesse is trying to buy it but there’s another man that is aggressively pursuing it so we’ll see what happens.
I started my new job at the gym on 2/18 and so far so good. I like the atmosphere very much and being with the health conscious is great. I love helping people make smart food choices. Of course I still have my private practice but its different being at the fitness club. I think I need to be around people these days instead of being the only one in my office and letting my mind wander to destructive thoughts. It’s my goal to grow my practice and rent office space, find some other coaches to share the space with.
But for now I get the best of both worlds. My private office and then the public one part time at the club.
So today I went to the hairdresser with a bottle of champagne instead of the traditional plate of cookies (that I ate)
I got an updated color and haircut. Then I went for a manicure and pedicure.
Next stop was my gym.
Not to work out. To talk to the HR manager.
Seems that they’re looking to hire an on-site nutritionist and what better distraction from my problems than to work two jobs? And I could use the money too since I’m planning a trip to Europe in a few months.
It’s perfect. Only two evenings and one morning a week. He said they’ll be adding a second part time nutritionist so taking time off to travel would never be a problem for me.
Nothing new to report on the Rick situation. I haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t heard from me. I’m glad he moved from next door. Don’t need the torture of seeing him every day. Yet I miss seeing him too.
My business is booming. Of course it’s that time of year – hit the gym, eat healthy, get into wellness. And there’s no better time than now for me to be busy.
I’m on the road to recovery. If only because I have things to keep my mind off my mending heart. I am grateful every day that I have distractions.
The trip to Palm Springs was good. I needed to get away from the same old same old. We stayed in old town PS the first two nights where we indulged in good food, spa treatments and girl talk. I told Mel on the plane that lecturing me was off limits so if she wanted to talk about Rick or Jesse or anyone else for that matter that she’d only be able to give constructive advice or else the subject was closed. She pretended to be hurt that I’d think of her as the lecturing type.
So although the flight was only 2.5 hours I got good and drunk from mimosas and pretty much let it all out about how I feel about stuff. Which came as a surprise to her. Seems that she’s been thinking all along that I want to find a good man, get married and have kids and that’s why she can’t understand why I haven’t done all that by now. I can’t believe she has not clued into the fact that those are the things I’ve been avoiding since I got a divorce from A #1 Loser. Although she now knows that I don’t want those things, she still has a hard time understanding why I don’t want to be with Rick. She’s been with the same man since we were 19 years old so there’s no way she’d get it that when you are with someone, as in a committed relationship, it will eventually evolve into the marriage thing or it’ll end with one of you hurt that it hasn’t evolved into the marriage thing.
“It will all change when you find the one guy that you don’t want to ever be without and the rest will all come naturally. You just haven’t found the right one yet”
“That’s part of the problem,” I said. “I think he is the right one because I don’t want to be without him. I figured breaking up with him would either confirm it or end it for me and I’m miserable without him in my life right now.”
“Then why the turmoil? If you two want to be together, then be together.”
“It’s more complicated than that. I don’t want to be tied down. It’s not that something better might come along, it’s that I want to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to and you can’t do that with a serious thing.”
“What do you want to do?”
“Nothing in particular. Just if I ever want to I don’t want to feel tied down.”
“This is not a lecture – it’s my opinion. First of all you don’t make sense. You think nothing better is gonna come along but yet you want to be available if for some reason something better really does come along. Secondly, if you are with Rick and something better comes along, what’s going to stop you from going after it?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know what to think or do these days,” I laughed although it wasn’t at all funny.
“I like Rick and I know he really likes you. I hope you don’t ruin a good thing, Dayna.”
I thought about Jesse and wondered if I’d ruined a good thing with him because of these same issues. Is Jesse who I belong with after all?
After the plan ride there we didn’t talk about my problems anymore the rest of the time. This is something I need to figure out for myself and no amount of talking to my best friend about it is going to change that.
So the first two nights we spent in old town and the next two were spent in Indio and Palm Dessert.
We took a golf lesson at Terra Lago Golf Club, spent the next day shopping on El Paseo Drive which is a little bit like Rodeo Drive in L.A. I got all my Christmas shopping done and had my packages shipped home.
The last night we were in town we stayed at Fantasy Springs Hotel and Casino. About 10 pm Mel decided she’d had enough and headed to our room. I stayed on the blackjack table where there was a handsome man sitting next to me. He bought me a drink and when the dealers were doing their shift change I leaned over to him and said, “Maybe we should get out of here and play our own game somewhere else.” It was like an out of body experience. I couldn’t’ believe I said it out loud!
“Are you a hooker?” he asked with a teasing smile on his face. In my mind I said “no, but I sure sound like one”
“No, are you a cop?” I asked back.
“As tempting as you are sweetheart, I’ll have to pass. I’m a married man and those are my golf buddies over there. If they saw me leave the casino with you, they’d have some serious blackmail material on me.”
“too bad for you,” I whispered into his ear as I got up from the table.
I headed to the dance club on the upper floor. I sat at the bar and drank a Cosmo and within minutes a man came up to me and asked me to dance. I told him I had other things in mind and he sat down. After about 15 minutes of flirting we were on our way to his room. We were making out in the elevator when my cell phone rang.
It was Mel. I almost didn’t answer but knew she wouldn’t let up.
I told my guy I was sorry but I had to take the call.
“Dayna, what are you doing?” She sounded irritated.
“Not much. What are you doing?”
“I’m wondering where you are and if you’re up to no good”
“What does it matter? I’ll be back in a while.”
“Dayna, if you’re doing what I think you’re doing – don’t. You’ll thank me for the warning when you get here.”
The elevator had stopped at his floor and he’d gotten out. I waved at him as the door closed and sighed. My heart wasn’t really in a one-nighter anyway so I was already glad that Mel had gotten me out of it.
She knew what was best for me. I took a shower, ordered room service and watched a movie as I fell asleep. I had to go home tomorrow and face the drama of my life and I needed a clear head.
